The Eyes Have It
by kiefersgirl1971
Summary: Grissom is forced to confront his demons when Sara overhears his conversation with Lurie.


**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own anything apart from the order of the words. The rest I'm just borrowing and I promise to put them back where I found them when I'm finished.

**A/N:** This is my first ever fanfic. I saw a site a while ago that had a discussion on what song suited Grissom and Sara and I immediately thought of "I Shall Believe" by Sheryl Crow. The following is my take on what might have happened immediately after "Butterflied" and how Grissom and Sara got together. Much love and thanks to **turtlebaby **for her advice, encouragement and giggle attacks, and huge thanks to **dreamsofhim** for helping me to get started. If you like what you've read click that ol' button at the bottom. Thanks and enjoy!!

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Sara stood behind the glass watching him as he slumped in his seat and sighed. In the total silence that engulfed her, she was amazed the whole building couldn't hear the sound of her heart breaking. Her shoulders sagged as the realization hit her - as far as he was concerned, she wasn't worth it. She watched as he began to collect himself, rising from his chair and crossing to the room to look at himself in the mirror putting his face inches from hers. For Sara, looking into his startling blue eyes became too much and she wheeled round in desperation for the door. Closing it behind her she composed herself, squared her shoulders and set off down the corridor. 

As Grissom exited the interview room into the corridor, his gaze fell on the back of her as she rounded the corner. What was she doing there? He wondered. An icy finger of dread touched his heart as he considered the possibility she had heard his confession to Lurie. His knees gave a grumble of protest as he half ran after her into the parking lot. Scanning the lot quickly with frantic eyes, his feet took on a life of their own as he spotted her.

"Sara!"

She had stopped walking at his shout but didn't turn round. As he caught up to her, he put a tentative hand on her right shoulder.

"Sara …… "

She turned to face him, causing his hand to fall. The look in her eyes confirmed his fear that she'd heard him and his stomach twisted. There was no anger in her eyes, just the look of defeat that a person carries when they realize they're fighting a losing battle. In the two or three seconds he held her gaze he realized what he had done - he had caused her to lose her faith in him, to lose her determination to hang in there while he struggled with "what to do about this" and to finally give up on him completely. Unable to respond he dropped his gaze to her boots, closing his eyes in anguish as he watched them turn and disappear from his line of vision.

Sara let herself into her apartment and threw her keys into the bowl on the table by the door. In a daze, she wandered over to her couch and lowered herself into the squashy cushions. Stretching her long, tired legs out she rested her head on the arm rest and closed her eyes. The image of his face made it's way to the forefront of her mind and she tried - without success - to push it away. She felt tired, bone tired but his face kept sleep at bay, the sound of his voice saying "I couldn't do it" repeating again and again in her ears. With a burst of irritation she pushed herself up and walked towards the bedroom, the thought of a shower temporarily nudging the image of his face to one side.

**Come to me now  
And lay your hands over me  
Even if it's a lie  
Say it will be alright  
And I shall believe**

The jets of water felt good drumming against her skin. It proved to her that the numbness she felt was only on the inside. She let the water cascade over her head and body, the water running down her face to mix with the tears she didn't seem able to stop. As the salty water left her eyes, so too did the strength in her legs and she slid slowly down to the tiled floor. Sara drew up her knees, wrapped her arms around them and rested her head. With the shower still projecting water over her, she cried for the love she had never known and now never would.

**I'm broken in two  
And I know you're on to me  
That I only come home  
When I'm so all alone  
But I do believe**

Grissom stood outside her front door listening for any movement. He had been knocking for close to five minutes without response. He knew she was in there - her car was outside - and she must be getting hacked off with him knocking every few seconds. He knocked again and pressed his ear to the door. Nothing. Complete silence. He HAD to talk to her - he needed to make her aware of his actions and decisions and all of the reasoning behind them. He needed her to realize that he did care for her - no, it was more than care - but that he couldn't act on his feelings because they came a very poor second behind his fears and insecurities. Yes, it made him a cold, heartless pig - but hey, that was him. He knocked again and after another moment or two shook his head and began to walk away.

**That not everything is gonna be the way  
You think it ought to be  
It seems like every time I try to make it right  
It all comes down on me  
Please say honestly you won't give up on me  
And I shall believe  
And I shall believe**

Grissom sat in his car and rested his hands on the steering wheel, looking at the entrance door to her apartment building. He was certain she was in there. After another couple of minutes, he formed a plan in his head. He took a deep breath and climbed out. "Right" he muttered forcefully. He made his way back inside and upon reaching her door pulled out his cell phone. Dialling Sara's home number he heard it ringing from the other side of the door. After four rings her answering machine clicked in and invited him to leave a name, number and message. Pacing until the machine bleeped he drew to a stop and spoke softly and gently.

"Sara, it's me. I'm sorry if this frightens you, but I'm outside your door. Please open it and let me come in and talk to you." He stood in front of the door and continued to speak to the machine on the other side. "Sara ….. Please open the door … I need to explain …. I want to explain ……."

On the other side of the door Sara emerged from her bedroom and stopped in her tracks as his voice filled the room.

"Sara ….. Please open the door ….. Please honey."

Sara closed her eyes and willed him to go away. But he didn't. He kept talking in that soft tone that turned her legs to jelly. She walked slowly to the door, transfixed by his soothing, magical voice. She cautiously put her eye to the spy hole and jumped back when he seemed to look right at her. Grissom noticed the movement and continued to plead.

"Sara, please open the door. I'm not going until we've talked."

"There's nothing left to say" came her defeated, quiet reply.

"Yes, there is." He hung up the phone and moved closer to the door. "There's plenty to say, plenty to explain and I don't want to have this conversation with a piece of wood between us - all I want is a chance to explain."

Sara closed her eyes and shook her head. "Grissom I can't do this. Please go away and leave me alone."

"I don't want to leave Sara. And I won't leave until I've said what I came to say ….. Please open the door honey."

**Open the door  
And show me your face tonight  
I know it's true  
No one heals me like you  
And you hold the key**

He shrugged. He knew deep down that this was all his fault, that she was on the other side of the door and refusing to let him in was all his own making and it strengthened his resolve. He turned around and sat on the cold tiles, his back leaning against her front door.

"Ok. I guess I am going to have this conversation through a piece of wood. But, I am not leaving until you hear why I've said what I've said and done what I've done. I'll sit here all day if I have to."

Inside Sara looked at the door in disbelief. This wasn't the Grissom she knew - no, that she THOUGHT she knew. She'd never heard him so forceful and determined. She pulled the throw from the back of the couch towards her and wrapped herself in it before mimicking his action of sitting on the floor and leaning her back against the front door. Grissom heard the movement from the other side of the door and correctly guessed what she had done.

"I was almost married once. It was fifteen years ago. I met this woman, Emma. We dated for a while, everyone seemed to like her and commented on what a fantastic couple we made. There was a party for her parent's anniversary and I took the opportunity to propose. She said yes, but there was something in her eyes. Like the fool I am, I put it down to her being annoyed that I had made something so private a public spectacle. Turns out she thought I was boring …. "A real stick in the mud, stuck in my ways a total and complete bore" were her exact words actually. She left me two days before the wedding, said she couldn't handle my lifestyle. I saw her two months later when I returned a box of stuff she had left at my place. She'd just returned from her honeymoon. She'd being seeing the guy since before I asked her to marry me."

Sara listened and her heart ached for him. A number of thoughts whizzed through her mind but the main one was "That explains a hell of a lot." Now she could see - and understand - why he was the immensely private person he was. Not quite ready to open the door to him just yet, she put her fingertips on the spot of the door that his voice seemed to be coming from. Suddenly feeling stupid, she whipped her hand away from the door and listened as he gave a deep sigh and began speaking again.

"I asked her why had she accepted my proposal, why had she let the wedding preparations get as far as they had and she said that she didn't think the other guy would commit to her and her parents were pushing for our marriage. The conversation got a bit heated after that and she admitted that she had only agreed to marry me and let everything get as far as it did in the hopes that he would get jealous and claim her. She …… She ….."

"She what Griss?" asked Sara softly.

"She said that she could never have been able to face the embarrassment of being married to me ….. Because of the age difference"

Sara did some quick calculations in her head. Fifteen years ago, Grissom would have been thirty-five.

"How old was she?"

"She was twenty-eight."

"But that's only seven years!" exclaimed Sara. "Seven years is nothing……"

As soon as the words left her mouth everything fell into place. All the pulling her closer only to push her away. The flirting that changed to coldness. The looks in his eyes that he didn't realize she had seen - Sara understood it all.

"Tell me about me Grissom. Tell me what this has to do with me."

Grissom drew up his knees and rested his elbows on them. Cupping his cheeks in his hands he blew out a long breath and realized that this probably _was_ easier through a door. At least he didn't have to see the anger that would be in her eyes when he finished speaking.

"I love you. I've been in love with you since I saw you sitting in that lecture theater all those years ago. I brought you to Las Vegas because I thought having you near me would give me the courage to go forward, to trust again. But it's not been as easy as I thought. I've no doubt in my mind that you do care for me, that you think we could have something special - for a while anyway."

"Why only a while?" asked Sara, knowing his reply but making him say it anyway.

"Because there is a lot more than seven years between us Sara. Sure, for a while everything would be rosy but then it would creep up on us and one day you'd wake up and realize that you were with an old man and you were still a young woman. You'd notice younger men and eventually walk out of my life with one of them."

"I'm not Emma" said Sara in a low voice.

"That's right, you're not. You're everything that she wasn't. With you it's easy, comfortable even. I don't know if you noticed but I never said that I loved Emma. I thought I did at the time, but the feelings I had for her pale compared to what I feel for you."

"So why have you pushed me away for all of these years?"

"Because my fear of loving and losing you far outweighed anything else. I know that they say ''tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all' but I can't see how."

Sara sat in stunned silence. He had loved her from the beginning, as she had loved him from the moment she raised her head from her notebook and found those pools of blue gazing at her. She shivered slightly and pulled the throw tighter around her shoulders.

"So … after all this time, you still don't think I'm worth the risk?"

"Honestly?"

"Yes."

"I didn't until I saw your eyes in the parking lot. Then it hit me very hard that to try living my life without you in it would be the biggest risk of all."

"Griss ….."

He could hear that she was weeping softly. With a faint moan of pain he stood and faced the door.

"Sara, please open the door. I want to hold you, look into your eyes and tell you just how much I love you."

He closed his eyes and leaned his forehead on the cool wood. You've blown it for good he told himself. You've lost the best thing in your miserable damned life and it's all your own stupid fault. All you had to do was open up your heart, your arms and she would have been there. You know full well that if you'd let her in she would never have left - she'd have been yours for all eternity.

He jumped slightly and jerked his head back as he heard the scrape of the chain go back. The door opened slightly and he could see her beautiful brown eyes, red rimmed from crying looking at him. What he saw in her eyes made his own mist over - there was nothing but love. He moved towards her and she opened the door wider. Her bottom lip trembled as she held out her arms for him. Half-falling into them he clung to her as if he were drowning and she was a life belt whispering "I love you" over and over again.

**Never again  
would I turn away from you  
I'm so heavy tonight  
But your love is alright  
And I do believe**

THE END.


End file.
